It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
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According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”