Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
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If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
choose your gary
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.