What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
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ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait