Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
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I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
Nice try Hitler
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.