The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
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Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good