I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
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The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
men are simple creatures
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.