“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
You Might Also Like
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.