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[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up