How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
You Might Also Like
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.