GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
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DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
ok hear me out: Luigiana
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
I was just discussing this with my cat
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice