Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
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Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be