reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
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[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
For only £3 a month you can adopt an economy passenger. Help us stop the brutal and inhumane way we treat them by donating today. You’ll receive a framed picture of your very own economy passenger and regular updates as to where their luggage might be. Thank you
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
Pandas 🐼🖤
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears