doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
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dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
Oh no
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
A new level of troll.
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.