A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
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Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!