If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
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Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
Text from my best friend: Please take your mom with you to the salvage yard when you pick up that part & introduce her as your mechanic
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.