*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
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Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.