Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
You Might Also Like
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then