[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
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there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
Need this in my life lol
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
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