Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
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Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
i maintain uninterrupted eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me, as i slowly pull out a chimichanga from my coat pocket & begin eating it
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”