[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
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me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
me as a parent
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants