me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
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Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.