boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
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DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
The funk soul brother
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy