My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
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Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
I saw this ending much differently.
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.