I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
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I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
Dyslexics are teople poo!
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
Still laughing at this stupid meme
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something