What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
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Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
first you must answer his riddles
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
*pokes sex life with a stick
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising