Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
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STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
But that’s none of my business
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺