Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
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My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
felt cute might bury dad later idk
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.