Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice
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[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
Morning.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]