[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
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Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”