You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
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I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.