Chemical wingman
You Might Also Like
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
Oh boy, $150,000!
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE