I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
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Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it