14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
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Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t