How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
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My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
don’t be scared
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood