Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
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Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits