Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
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my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.