[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
You Might Also Like
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]