Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
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Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.