I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
You Might Also Like
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
Just a phase…
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?