My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
You Might Also Like
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house