2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
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Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
My first son he is wonderful
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..