Match dot com, but for socks.
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Coworker: I need documentation for this project. It’s super urgent!
Me: Sure. Can you send me the details?
Ages pass.
Empires rise and fall.
Dolphins develop their own space program.
The old gods return.
The stars die out and the sky goes black.
Coworker: Here you go.
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”