Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
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KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
Bobby pin
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
I don’t make the rules sorry
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle