[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
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Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
Them: You should try keto
Me:
🤣dope
Jesus Christ lmao
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.