HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
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A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
Yup.
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
Not recommended for beginners.
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.