both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
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*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
Cheers Twitter.
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
Buying a well is money well spent.
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
also my go-to takeaway order
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.