stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
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Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
Roses are red, you always mattered,
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.