[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
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One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
Quadruple digit IQ
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks