Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
You Might Also Like
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha