Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
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Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.